No Longer on the Fence

Until this point, I had reserved judgement on the Harper government.

Sure, I frowned when he kicked to the curb marginalized Canadians in need of legal aid. Sure, I was unimpressed with Conservative rhetoric replacing leadership in the environment. And you can bet I'm a tad wary about this young buck, an external appointee (who may yet be a Conservative-agenda-enforcing Harper-henchman) who is to run the rabidly non-partisan Statistics Canada.

But for me, all those instances evoked was an eye-roll; while these actions are certainly not good, in my eye, I've not yet been provoked into a visceral reaction of utmost disgust.

Until today.

Courtesy of The Globe & Mail:

"Canadian Heritage officials confirmed yesterday they will be 'expanding slightly' the criteria used for denying tax credits to include grounds such as gratuitous violence, significant sexual content that lacks an educational purpose, or denigration of an identifiable group. More details are promised next week."

What infuriating nonsense. Harper is extending the scope of his muzzling to now include Canadian filmmakers evermore, should they continue with their gritty, fantastic filmmaking. Canadian film is world-renowned for the very aspects that Conservatives are trying to snuff; We do not shy away from realism, from brutal honesty, from challenging subject matter. It is a proud piece of our national identity.

In sum, Canadian film is about to be castrated in favour of Conservative milquetoast.

Mess with my people, my environment, my livelihood, fine. But don't you dare touch my films.

So, I took the liberty of writing my MP. Should any of you even remotely agree, I urge you to do the same. Below is my letter:

To the Honourable Mr. Dewar,

I am an Ottawa Centre constituent who is utterly alarmed by the Government's move to deny tax credits to Canadian filmmakers. Canadian film is praised worldwide as being gritty and honest, and providing no-holds-barred views of complex and difficult subject matter. This is an identity to be proud of, and it is one that is put at great risk by the Conservatives' agenda.

The world would be a lesser place without films like Exotica, The Saddest Music in the World, The Sweet Hereafter, and Naked Lunch. These fantastic films would be at risk under the Conservative proposal, as they are low-budget, and contain considerable degrees of nudity, sexuality, violence, and other disturbing imagery. Given that many low-budget films simply cannot be made without federal tax credit assistance, films such as these would be terminated "in utero," as it were.

This bill promotes censorship of a true Canadian art form; It is misguided at best, fascist at worst. Please do not let this pass.

Lastly, could you please advise me on other groups or activites related to this issue that you know of? I would like to lend my support to them.

Thank you for your time.

No response as of yet, but that's no surprise as I sent it not an hour ago. ;-) Will keep you posted if I hear anything back. In the meantime, feel free to peruse the following links for more information.

Article 1 - Article 2 - Article 3 - Article 4 - Article 5

Don't be fooled by the myopic "rebuttals" stating that only films against current public policy (i.e. containing illegal activities) will be affected by this bill. Technically, this could mean termination of funding for a film in which someone breaks copyright laws, or even jaywalks.

And how many classic movies involve murder, exactly? Think about it, and reflect on what these ominously vague regulations may do to our Egoyans, our Maddins, and our Canadian Hitchcocks to come.

Triumph!

Last weekend I ran my first ever 5k.

The closest thing I had ever done previously were the duathlons, which had 5k of running broken into two parts by a 10k bike ride. So, Saturday's event was the first time I had ever attempted running 5 consecutive kilometres. Granted, "running" is probably a generous stretch of terminology -- slow jogging would be a far more apt description. Nonetheless, I finished in less than 40 minutes (a good target for beginners) and only had to walk for about three quarters of a K. At about 3.5K, I started seeing spots, so I had to slow down… until I saw the "1 K left!" sign. I ran from there, but allowed myself 200 paces of walking when the spots and dizziness returned. My finish was strong, though, and even left me with ample energy to do errands in the afternoon.

The rest of the afternoon was great. I dropped off my coat for a dry-cleaning, tried out a fantastic new teahouse, picked up some art supplies for my newest project, then topped it all off with ordering a pizza and watching horror movies. I don't generally like horror movies, but since Dave openly detests them, my ideal opportunity to watch them is when he's out of town. Unfortunately, both were duds -- 28 Weeks Later was a perfect example of everything that's wrong with Hollywood-ized movies, and Perfume: The Story of a Murderer destroyed its riveting first half with a positively awful second half. The evening was subsequently redeemed with a friends' housewarming party, which ended around 2AM with my friends and I pushing each other into snowbanks. Good times!

All told, I enjoyed the run so much that I'm already looking into upcoming 5k events. It seems there is about one per month from now until October. Frankly, I'm happy as long as it involves less snow; running in the snow seems entirely too hardcore for my taste. Thank goodness this race had closed down the (cleared) road, as running on snowed-in bike trails would have been a nightmare.

And maybe, next time, Dave can join me! ;-) (No pressure, hon…hehehe)

Is it just me...

...or is there an almost uncanny resemblance between these two pictures?

Ah, my cousin is way cuter than any heiress. Just stay away from that eyeliner, RaeLynn! ;-)

Settled In / Lents' Revenge

In the time since Christmas, life has evened out nicely. The general lack of excitement has been blissful, and Dave and I have managed to work out something resembling a routine. The bookkeeping is almost done, we now know where (almost) everything is, and I'm regularly engaging in my soul-restorative activity, baking.

The baking has been especially handy lately, as I have given up refined sugars for Lent. As some of you may recall, that was what Dave gave up last year; in turn, he is giving up alcohol (which was my choice last year). I expect this Lent to be quite difficult, as David likes booze more than I do, and I like sweets more than he does. But hey, this whole thing is supposed to be an exercise in discipline/self-knowledge, right? In the meantime, we're learning the virtues of molasses and nonalcoholic beer.

Socializing is made tougher by Lent, though, since it's hard not to fall into old habits. Dave's had trouble resisting ordering the "automatic beer," and I've already had a major sugar slip-up. Today a colleague brought in home-baked cookies and I automatically ate two before remembering. :-P It's amazing how sneaky sugar (and booze) can be... it's everywhere!

We even made a point of postponing Lent a bit, so as to avoid being miserable company to our parents. Dave's parents were visiting a few weekends ago, and as usual, their partying skills put ours to shame. Not to be outdone, my dad then shows up, and all of us (foolishly) start trying to out-party each other. On a "school night", no less. Needless to say, the next morning at work was positively brutal. But worth it. ;-)

Besides Easter (the official end of Lent), there are many events I'm looking forward to. I was able to nab floor tickets to the Foo Fighters!! It'll be a great show, and we only have to wait 'til March. That same month, I've also enrolled into a 5K run. And, I've booked us orchestra seats for the travelling Broadway musical, Wicked, which tours in August.

I gotta say, it's so nice to make plans so far in advance. ^_^

Happy New Year!

For Dave and I, 2008 is starting out as a much-anticipated period of relaxation. 2007 was a fantastic year full of adventure, special events, and an incredible amount of travel… it's years like that that make us realize how blessed we are. Thank you to absolutely every person who was a part of that miraculous time.

Since we haven't been updating the blog regularly, here is a point-form update of the latest events:

• After returning to Canada (Ottawa) from the honeymoon, we saw the lovely Beatrice (the tall, redhead bridesmaid) get married! The ceremony was beautiful, and included a song written by the bride herself. The reception afterwards was a lot of fun, and it was the first time I'd seen many of my StatCan buddies in almost two years. Needless to say, we partied to make up for lost time. ;-)

  
  

• We then flew from Ottawa to Winnipeg, where my belongings were being stored during our time in NZ. In addition to taking that stuff back to Ottawa, my family also volunteered some of their furniture to help set us up. We ended up with a great dining set, a huge TV, and two nice couches. Thanks mom, dad, Aunt Jo and Uncle Rae! :-)

  
  

• A surprise Wedding Social was thrown during our stay in Winnipeg. Dave had no idea it was happening, and we both had no idea his parents were secretly flying in for the event. The Hume family got a complete immersion in Prairie culture. By the end of the evening, Dave was reading out the draw numbers like a pro. ;-) And a big thanks to everyone who came, and those who supported us by buying tickets! The funds were deeply appreciated, and helped us pay for the move.

  
  

• We drove a packed U-Haul to Ottawa. The weather was drizzly all the way, and the drive itself uneventful but for moose and eagle sightings. I always find the sight of Lake Superior staggering, though -- how is that not an ocean? The highlight of the trip was stopping at Keith and Colleen's house and getting a chance to catch up with them.

  
  

• I began work shortly thereafter, where I was welcomed back with a loving prank. My friends had secured a copy of a newspaper article run about me, then made an enormous number of copies and plastered them all over my cubicle. However, something was different -- where my face was supposed to be, they had pasted their own faces onto mine. But with my hair and neck. I nearly fell over laughing.

  
  

• Work itself is good. After taking the two weeks to shop around among available positions, I decided on Balance of Payments and Environmental Surveys section. I had assumed I'd join the team immediately, but my old section (Unified Enterprise Survey) needed a hand with some data quality indicators. Now that that's finished, the move will be as of Monday coming. The project looks interesting, and the team seems very nice… I can hardly wait! :-)

  
  

• Katie (sister of Dave; tall, brunette bridesmaid) and Charlie are getting married! On Halloween, Katie was proposed to by a roses-and-diamond-weilding Zorro, and she accepted. (Personally, I wondered how Charlie felt about having Zorro move in on his girl!) ;-) The wedding is schedueled for June, and may or may not feature another Zorro appearance.

  
  

• Patrick (one of the groomsmen) and his wife Sarah had their baby -- a beautiful little boy named Benjamin. He was born late November, and he was a wee thing at about 5 lbs. I'm told he's growing like a weed nowadays… as kids do.

  
  

• Liz (of gardening-blog fame) and her husband Don are expecting! I am so happy for them, though I wonder how they'll stop little Billy/Hermione/Trogdor from playing with their action figures... ;-)

  
  

• Went to Vancouver for Christmas, and surprised Chris (Dave's mum) on her doorstep. She was absolutely speechless, but then even more so when her English sister and brother-in-law surprised her the next day. We celebrated Chris's 60th 29th on Christmas day, which was simply splendid. (The general adventures of Christmastime in Vancouver is sufficient for its own post, though, so eyes on this space!) ^_^

  
  

• All in all last year, Dave and I boarded 24 planes, 7 ferries, 8 trains, and explored 5 countries. What a year!!

But all the same, an action-packed year like that leaves one with a renewed appreciation for ugly sweatpants, lazy Saturdays, and empty schedueles. ;-)

As of now, though, we're not quite there -- there's still a lot of apartment-setting-up to do. We do not yet have any rhyme or reason to our cupboards and shelves, and we are still learning where everything is. Also, now that I've finally unearthed all the paperwork I'd packed away, I can finally catch up on the last of the wedding tasks. Following that will be tackling the scary drawer bursting with receipts that date back to July. Then, freedom! Freedom to slouch about, do as little as possible, and rot our minds with television. How blissful.

In the meantime, I have my "To Do" lists to keep me company. And, of course, my sweatpants. ;-)

Nerd Alert

Hilarious! Who doesn't like a good Kant joke? Laughter is great for digestion!

Hah!

Hat tip: The Onion AV Club's Videocracy

Things are starting to shape up

So after a long 'home-hiatus' (Aug-Nov 2007), Karla and I appear to have a livable apartment.

Miracle of miracles!

All the arranging has been a bit much, especially with me gone for the first few weeks of November. I was on a contract in New Brunswick that had me there at least five days a week, leaving Karla to deal with 'box armageddon' here at 60 Cartier Street. She's such a trooper.

Anyway, there have now been multiple Ikea trips, Bay trips and trips around Ottawa to gather up our final bits and pieces. Thanks especially to Faye and Doug for the use of their SUV. And to all our friends who pitched in to make our move happen. What a huge help!

You're all truly the best.

Karla Helgason, International Woman of Mystery

Let me tell you one of my favourite parts of the honeymoon. It's days like this I live for.

Near the end of our trip, David and I are waiting for the afternoon train out of Florence. Seeing we have a little over an hour before it arrives, I decide to go on an adventure. (Dave is hung over, and happy to be left in the shade, with some water and the bags.)

Specifically, there was one place I was determined to find before leaving Florence -- La Officina Profumo di Santa Nouvella. This perfume maker has been in business since 1612, which was around the same time Samuel de Champlain declared Quebec city -- at the time an obscure little town on a hill -- to be the capital of New France. Meaning, this is a business that predates Canada. By a long way. How very, very cool.

So I set off in search of this establishment with my Lonely Planet map as reference. Some misadventures follow, including one moment of heartbreak where the address it was listed under was a restaurant… until I discovered that Florence is famous for its duplicate street numbering.

Eventually I find the place, and it's a gorgeous, opulent vision of an antique perfumerie. It was three rooms large, each one as ornate as any in the Vatican museum. The first room was the perfumerie, so I made a beeline for the counter. Behind it was a willow-thin picture of middle-aged Italian elegance, wearing a crisp white blouse and a crisp white smile.

I was determined to buy something. Luckily, finding a fabulous fragrance was not difficult -- I tried magnolia, orange blossom, jasmine, and frangipani, and settled on the latter, a fondly-remembered Tahitian flower. The lady and I chatted about the history of that place; when I mentioned that it was older than my country, she smiled in a pleasant but somewhat condescending way.

As I was paying for my purchase, I noticed two young Asian girls trying to get the ladies' attention. "Skin lotion...?" The lady turned to them and asked, "For men or for women?" The girls paused, looked at each other, and tentatively said "….sorry? Again?" The lady repeated her question, leaving the girls looking as if they hadn't any more clue what she meant. Politely exasperated, the lady briskly told them she'd be with them in a minute, and returned to continue my transaction.

The poor girls. They had that look of helplessness and embarrassment I know so well from the language barriers I've encountered myself. It's not a fun feeling at all.

Then, as I look at them, I notice their pale skin, fine bone structure, and wacky-funky clothes. Hmm… Japanese? If so, I might be able to help. However, if they're Chinese, or Korean, this might be a bit embarrassing.

Here goes nothing.

I turn to them and say, "Annoo… Shitsuree shimashita -- Lotion, hai? Lotion shojo, Lotion shonen?" (A very poor Japanese translation of "Uhh, excuse me -- Lotion, yes? Lotion girl, lotion boy?")

Including the ladies', all three sets of eyes go wide for a second. There's a pause, where my squeaming stomach questions whether I should have gotten involved.

Then the girls' faces break into huge smiles of releif, and they cry out, "Shojo! Lotion shojo, kudasai!" ("Girl! Lotion girl, please!"… not proper Japanese, but if she phrased it correctly, I probably wouldn't have understood her answer). I then turn to the lady, whose mouth remains in an "O" of surprise, and relay that they're wanting lotion for women. At that exact moment, my interac receipt pops up, I take it, and I swagger out. The lady recovers and thanks me for my help, as do the Japanese girls who cheerily chime, "Domo arigato gozaimashita! Senkyuu!"

At the exit, I turn around with a wave and a big smile, and say, "No problem -- ie, mondaiyonai!" And then I'm gone, and I feel like a superhero. Or a super-spy. Or generally the kind of person who's so cool, they can only exist in the movies.

What a good day.

More Catching Up

Given my severe blogging delinquency as of late, some of you may be wondering whether I'll keep it up now that we've returned to Canada. The answer is yes, the blog will continue. However, until Dave and I manage to attain some semblance of a stable life, the posts will probably be few and far between.

So, for an update, life is going well. I was warmly welcomed back to StatCan, and have my choice of many delectable projects to return to. As of next week, I should be officially starting in a new position... how exciting! Dave is also very happy, as has found employment through a good friend and former boss. His contract is not a long one, but it is nonetheless challenging, and will present the opportunity to travel to New Brunswick for a few weeks.

And that's fine by me -- it'll give me some much-needed alone time with my Playstation 2. ;-) I've missed you so, my love...

We have also found a fantastic flat, courtesy of Mikes' friend Matt, who is on an adventure to Cambodia. Given that we had a heads-up for his apartment becoming available, we were able to snag it before the market swarmed it. The place is spacious, inexpensive, and superbly-located... and we get to move in in a couple of days! I can hardly wait.

In the meantime, I've uploaded the pictures I've taken over the last few months, starting with the end of our time in NZ. Do check them out! More will come in a few days.

Catching up

What a month indeed. Karla and I are now returning to Earth in Ottawa after one of the most incredible runs of good times ever.

The basic itinerary: Vancouver, Milan, Tuscany, Venice, Rome, Florence, Bologna, Milan, Ottawa, Winnipeg, Ottawa. What follows is at best a poor summary.

The Wedding. Amazing amazing amazing.

Karla was amazing. Family and friends were amazing. The food, the wine, everything was just as we hoped. We danced, we drank, we speechified. It was terrific. If you haven't seen them, have a look at the wedding photos:http://www.bluemagnolia.ca/karladavid/. As you'll see, Karla was a vision on the big day. I am a bloodly lucky guy

After some more visiting and some R&R around Vancouver, we headed for Milan. It was a beautiful place where we only spent a short time. I loved the Galleria and the Duomo, and seeing La Scala, the massively famous Opera house. Karla, having been there before, was a great tour guide. After a day though, we hired a car and shot south, towards Tuscany.

After the intensity of the wedding, the villa in Tuscany was just what the doctor ordered. We loved the area, located 120kms or so northwest of Rome. Sandra, the woman looking after us there was wonderful. She cooked delicious homecooked meals, and we stuttered through English-French-Italian conversations. Craziest thing on the menu: barbecued wild boar caught on the property. It also gave us a great chance to just lie around and read books for a solid 5 days, with a sprinkling of visits to the ancient cities and volcanic hotsprings in the area. I sawed through at least two novels while we were there. Bliss, my friends, bliss.

Venice was legendary--we were there to meet our great friends Jay and Tamara, who were getting married at the City Hall the following day. It felt like we were living in a Conde Nast magazine for a day, what with the special clothes, the special ceremony, the special location and the very special meal that we had afterwards. The wedding was fantastic. Jay and Tamara were so happy. Even the marriage commissoner and translator were crying with joy! And people cheered in the Canals as we floated by on our gondola. Some day I'll tell you all about the bottle of wine we ordered at dinner. It was among the most magnificent things I've ever tasted, short of Karla and my mother's cooking.

Rome was next and it was awesome. I'd love to go back. It was my first time and Karla's third. This time we steeped ourselves in touristy Rome, with the Colloseum, the Forum, the Vatican, Spanish Steps and Fountain of Trevi etc. It was magnificent--especially the Sistine Chapel and Rafael Rooms at the Vatican, but I know there's a lot more to experience there. I can't wait to find out more on another trip.

Florence was great. We braved the long line to see the David, which was a life-shaking experience. I've never seen such a perfect artwork ever. And to think the stone he was carved from had been rejected by at least two other sculptors, who said they could do nothing with it. See the statue and know the meaning of genius, my friends. It is humbling to say the least.

We also caught up with friend of a friend and co-democracy enthusiast Tiago Peixoto, where we proceeded to get really drunk, have tons of fun, and finish our night of dancing at 5am with a fresh croissant from a bakery that was just waking up. Nerds that we are, we even worked on a paper together at 2am. God help us. But it sure was fun seeing Karla in full statistician mode. I'd never seen that before. Who knew stats could be so sexy?


Bologna was the perfect place to end our trip. Such a lifestyle there! We had a look at the Modern Art Museum of Bologna (know as MAMBO), we bought parma prociutto and big blocks of parmagiano for gifts, toured the markets and wandered under the porticos. And of course there was the main event, dinner, graciously bought as a wedding gift by friends from New Zealand who are both from Italy.

Karla and I were awestruck by meal. We were amazed by the antipasti. Delighted by the ragu and mushroom main. And then floored by the dessert. Especially floored, I've got to say. It was so delicious! And there was so much of it! Karla was in heaven. Bowls of custard and ice cream, whole pies and cakes of every variety, jugs of chocolate, all were just left on your table for you to sample from. It was like the best buffet ever, but right at your seat. We had to roll ourselves out of there, stuffed and delighted.

So that's the wrap of the trip. We're now back in Ottawa after a week in Winnipeg for a big party that Karla's mum and dad threw us, and the marriage of one of Karla's friends. But more on that in another post.

What a Month!

The past month can only be summarized with the following description: Wow.

The wedding went phenomenally. All its peripheral events (stag & stagette, rehearsal, post-BBQ, honeymoon) went equally well. A tremendous thank you to everyone who was there, or who wished us well... you all made David and I realize how blessed we are. Thank you so much for all your love and support.

For a quick recap, here are some lessons derived from the aforementioned events' highlights:

• Pre-stag coed BBQs are brilliant.
• Nipple pasties (worn over the clothes) are the best stagette craft ever.
• Tequila shots are never a good idea.
• Rehearsals for weddings seem much more complicated than the weddings themselves.
• Spray tans look nuclear-orange at first, giving you approximately 8 hours of passing for a mutant.
• Having the rehearsal dinner the day after the stag/stagette means a surprisingly manageable bar bill.
• Deciding to do wedding programs the day before the wedding is not a good idea.
• Weddings are a blur, so videotaping is wonderful.
• Little else lightens a staid Catholic service quite as much as having the priest vocally bemoan celibacy.
• Little else loosens up a reception like having the best man address the grooms' being frequently mistaken for gay.
• Full dance floors are awesome!

My memory gets better upon emerging from the wedding haze, and moving on to the honeymoon. A later post will go into more details about that lovely three weeks in Italy... but that will have to wait for now. :-)

Photos of these events will be compiled once I have a chance to rally them, likely via Flickr. In the meantime, have a look over a sampling of the professional shots.

So, the next step amid all this adventure will be resettling back in Ottawa. After having no home address for months on end, I am gleefully anticipating the decadence of regular life. I can barely wait to come home from a regular day at work, sit on my own couch, watch my own TV, in our own apartment. It will be grand.

But in the meantime, I am relishing the remainder of this amazing time.

Update, Continued

August 7, left Wellington. It was very tough... Wellington had been a good home to us for almost two years. Got on the plane, and gave Welly a tearful post-takeoff toast with bubbly. Spent the evening in Auckland, relaxing and reflecting in our favourite Indian restaurant.

August 8, drove from Auckland to Paihia. Decided to seek out a place with a bath, so splurged on the Honeymoon suite at a hotel called "Swiss Chalet". Karla got a bath!!!! ^_^

August 9, Waitangi Treaty Grounds. Explored site of New Zealands' formative English/Maori treaty. Grounds hummed with history. Took a tour, ate a fantastic lunch, and watched local birdlife frolic about. A marvellous afternoon!

August 10, took a morning cruise, saw the famous "Hole in the Rock". Then we drove to Ahipara.

August 11, last day in New Zealand. Took a trip to the famous landmarks of 90-mile-beach, the giant sand dunes, and Cape Reinga where the seas meet. We took toboggans down the sand dunes for an unforgettable adrenaline rush... and I'm still pulling sand outta my ear a whole week later. ;-)

August 12, longest day ever. Drive back to Auckland, catch the evening plane to San Francisco. 12 hours later, arrive in SanFran in the morning... of August 12. Fly to Vancouver (2 hours), are greeted by Ben and Chris. Spend my layover chatting with them over beers at the airport. Then, it's the final flight to Winnipeg, arrive 2.5 hours later, at 11:30 PM... still on August 12. (A sane person might have been tired. However, I was so refreshed by the familiar dry, hot prairie air, the four-lane-wide streets, and the faces of my family that I stayed up talking with them until about 4:30 AM.) ;-)

Since then, I've been hanging out with my parents in Winnipeg, getting last-minute wedding details together, and catching up with friends. Getting over jet lag has been a slow process, not entirely helped by the fact that late-night television is so damned entertaining. ;-)

Heading back to Vancouver on Wednesday eve... wish me luck in getting everything done in time! ^_^ W-day awaits...

Update!

Well, I can officially say the last two weeks have been madness. Fun, but madness. So, here be an update, in the shortest possible form:

August 3, goodbye tea for me at work: Very sweet gathering of co-workers to say goodbye. Funny speech from the boss, whereas what my speech lacked in eloquence, it made up for in sincerity. I got a lovely card and some neat gifts... including some lovely paua jewelry. Good times!

August 4, last day of work: Started the drinking early with a local wine, but didn't get out of there as early as hoped. (Who knew sorting emails took that long?!) Partied well into the eve with colleagues.

August 5, Dave's last rugby game, and celebrations to follow. Needless to say, the man was not in good shape after this day... and it had little to do with actual rugby. ^_^

August 6, no-more-stuff day. We got rid of all our stuff this day. No bed. Luckily there was a great hostel nearby we stayed at, and used this as our base to clean up the house. Cleaned til 7am.

More to come, they're paging our flight! See you all soon!

Oh My God.

I'm sitting at work, at my normal work computer, looking out at normal NZ-August weather, reading normal emails and sorting my normal desk, having a normal day in my normal NZ life, when the thought dawns on me...

A month today, we're getting married.

(Uhm, what happened to that nearly-two-year-engagement that was supposed to elapse beforehand??)

Eep.

Things I'll Miss About New Zealand, Part 12

Grab-A-Seat deals.

These are daily specials on the website of New Zealands' major airline, and they give you opportunities to travel in a fun, spontaneous, and incredibly affordable way. How affordable? Try between $29 and $59 one way, most or all taxes in.

How this works is like this: every day, early in the morning, Air New Zealand makes a fixed number of seats available for specific routes, in specific date ranges. Once these seats sell out, your outta luck -- so needless to say, it's been a part of my morning work routine to check the daily deals.

Usually it's domestic flights on sale, but every once in a blue moon, there's a fantastic international special. One time, Wellington to Tokyo was on sale for $450 per person... taxes in, and including return. What a deal!!!

Because of these deals, we've seen a HUGE amount of New Zealand, which has been wonderful. It was even this deal that allowed me to take Dave to French Polynesia as his Christmas present. Thank you, Grab-a-Seat!

The Seamier Side of Weddings

In November of 2005, the wonderful then-boyfriend Dave proposed to me. We were in Manhattan, New York, bringing an entirely perfect day to a close over martinis at 3AM. In the dim light of The Spice Market, he reached into his inside pocket and produced the little velveteen box that made my heart leap. He asked me to marry him, I sobbed "yes". It was magical.

Since then, I've been heavily involved in the much-less-magical task of wedding planning.

• Phase one is where everyone bombards you with questions -- what's thedatewheresthewedding howmanyguestsdoyouhave adressletsseethering!... AUGH. That was November - December of 2005.

• Phase two is when you start deciding things, largely to get people off your back. That would be January 2006.

• Phase three is when you reel back in horror at how insanely expensive everything becomes the moment vendors smell a wedding. That lasted from January - May 2006.

• Phase four is when you just learn to accept it, making meagre savings where you can. (I love you, Ebay...) This period was from June to about October 2006.

• Phase five is when you rise above all that, and decide to just make it happen as best as can be done, with as minimal stress as possible. November 2006 until about now.

The moral of this story? That this process has lasted a long damned time. It's been educational, it's been a crash course in project management, and at times it's even been fun. (At the risk of inciting stereotypes, I reluctantly admit that dress-shopping with my parents has been the most fun part thus far.)

So, for your amusement, let me share with you the nuttiest parts of the wedding planning process.

Bridal sub-culture can be absolutely bizzarre. This is not news, given the fairly recent introduction of the term "Bridezilla", but what may be news is how insidious and prevalent this subculture actually is.

For instance, did you know that wedding-related issues can irreparably damage relationships between otherwise-sane people? On the bridal bulletin boards I frequent -- for advice and tips, honest! -- there's no end of women crying like children about how someone had the NERVE to wear some outfit (black, white, cleavage-y, whatever) to their wedding. "Don't they KNOW it's MY DAY?!?!" Or others who stopped being friends with their maid of honour due to the latter not perfectly performing imposed duties. Or others causing permanent rifts with moms or mother-in-laws for having different expectations for involvement. Or guests never forgiving some honest oversight in the guest list. This stuff really happens! Insane, eh?

So, when planning a wedding one must carefully navigate this emotional minefield. Having to keep this in the back of one's mind all the time is taxing, to say the least*. It's nuts.

Another crazy thing is the conspicuous absence of grooms in any bridal/wedding imagery. The only time a bride and groom are pictured together is in tux ads. Otherwise, it's bride-bride-bride. Magazines solely show brides on the cover; even Bride & Groom magazine features a title where BRIDE is written in 10cm-high-font, and the afterthought "& Groom" is hidden away in 2cm font. YES, I understand the marketing is geared towards women, but here's two compelling reasons why men should be included:

1. If you are a bride, there's probably a groom. Marriage is the act of uniting two people. Without two, there is no marriage. Marriage is all about two... so when did this become THE BRIDE-ONLY SHOW?**
   


2. When appealing to a single-gender audience, involvement of gorgeous members of the opposite sex is a good thing. Gillette and Budwieser understand this principle... why don't bridal vendors get it? Let's get some beefcake in those ads!

And, saving the best for last, the craziest part of the wedding experience are the models in the advertisements. Considering that weddings are still marketed to women as being the best/happiest/most important day of your life, one would think the visuals would correspond. They do not. Instead, the visuals present sullen, underfed girls moping in their veils, glowering in their lavish dresses, and generally giving off the impression of being utterly miserable.

Because, of course, that's exactly the kind of attitude that makes me wanna buy something! [snort] Yeah, right. Seriously, who makes up this stuff? These examples I found through a simple Google Image search... enjoy their silliness!

I can just see it now, if I turned up in that last getup... "Hey, Karla, I don't wanna alarm you, but a bird died on your head." LOL


*Luckily, due to the awesomeness of my family, friends, guests, etc, none of this unnecessary drama has happened... thank you! ^_^

**Note, I could also point out a related, but somewhat vulgar two-vs.-one parallel; the bride-only fixation on the singular is "causing it to go blind" (to the meaning of marriage). ;-)

Things I'll Miss about New Zealand, Part 11

The marked price is what you pay. For basically everything. Tax is included in the marked price, and tipping is unheard of.

Think about it. Envision seeing a sticker marked $15 on an item you want to buy. You remove one ten dollar bill (blue), and one five dollar bill (orange) from your wallet. You give these bills to a clerk at a till, he says "Cheers... bye!" and then you walk away with the item.

How anything could operate any differently defies sense, and seems quite dishonest. And yet, it is what I return to.

The Canadian method works as follows: Take the sticker price, add 14% for taxes, and then add another 10 to 20% for a tip if you're in a restaurant. (I don't actually mind the tipping -- all the best restaurant service I've ever had is in Canada, and the tipping-incentive probably has a lot to do with that. )

The end result: all of a sudden, that cheap fisch-and-chips-meal, or pair of pants, or mobile phone, they all become a lot less cheap.

It's not that I mind paying more. I mind being deliberately kept under an illusion of the cost being one thing, when it is actually another amount entirely. I had taken this monetary mind game so much for granted, it had only faintly dawned on me that things could work any differently. (Kind of like doomsayers who oppose discontinuing the penny... after now having lived without pennies OR nickels, I can confidently testify that the world does NOT descend into chaos without them. Rather, your wallet is slimmer, lighter, and more attractive.)

After having lived in this tipless, tax-included utopia devoid of unnecessary and largely worthless pocket weight, I now know it can work. Why on earth isn't Canada this sensible? There is a better way, and I am saddened seeing my beloved country be so archaic in this (or any) aspect.

I'm also not looking forward to the inevitable NZ-reflex at a Canadian retail counter. I can just see it now... upon presenting my lone twoonie for a $2 item, the clerk will tell me, "No, two dollars = $2.28". Gah. :-P

Harry Potter Update; Things I'll Miss About New Zealand, Parts 8, 9, & 10

I officially have a copy of the final Harry Potter book, obtained precisely six minutes after it went on sale.


...Which reminds me of the Thing I'll Miss #8: I will miss being in the world's first metropolitan timezone. NZ lives in the future... literally! Since any given date (or time) happens here first, it gives me extra time to remember people's birthdays, something I'm normally terrible at. AND it means that NZ is able to sell its Harry Potter books before any other country, thus giving its residents the opportunity to own the book almost a day before the rest of the world. That's pretty neat.


I was almost late for the opening of the bookstore that I intended to watch, as I was intercepted by the world's friendliest cat (Thing I'll Miss #9). He's a sweetheart, and I can never pass him on the (186) steps without petting him. I've never known a cat to come running to you, meowing to tell you how happy he is to see you... but that's exactly what this one does. Especially if I've ever had a hard day, which he seems to already know. I am powerless to resist such a cute fuzzball.

On the walk to the bookstore, I try and make up for lost time by moving quickly. That isn't too hard, as Willis st (downtown) is a veritable ghost town on Saturday morning. Surely the bookstore would be equally deserted...?

I arrive, 5 minutes before it opens, to find barely a dozen people waiting outside the store. As per the original plan, I grab a coffee across the street, then sit down to people-watch. Seeing the people in line, and the staff opening the bookstore doors, I am reminded of the tenth thing I'll miss...

Thing I'll Miss About New Zealand #10: Wellingtonians will take ANY excuse to dress up in zany costumes!

About half of the people there, and of those turning up, are dressed up as wizards, fairies, Hogwarts students, princesses, you name it. The staff are in magical cowls, capes and caps, some more elaborate than others.

After a browse, and hearing the news that the book could not be legally sold before 11:01 AM (just under two hours to go), I plunked myself in line. Having brought reading material of my own (100 Bullets, volume 8), and having most of my coffee left, I was well-placed for a wait.

People filed in slowly at first, and by 10:00 the place was very busy. The line was now all the way around the store, and various radio stations showed up to do interviews and offer prizes. New Zealand candy companies -- including Whittaker's, the local chocolate-makers -- sent representatives with brimming baskets to keep the everyone fed. There was even a hired magician doing fun tricks and making balloon animals. Later, an impromptu costume competition took place. It was a great time.

I noticed a familiar accent from the girl in front of me, who turned out to be American. She was thrilled to be getting her copy so far ahead of her friends in the US, and we laughed gratefully at the short line (compared to any we'd face at a North American bookstore). Behind me was a groovy grandma with her adorable 15-year-old grandson, each waiting for a copy of their own. They strategized with each other the pace they'd read at, so they could call each other up at intervals to talk about what was happening. Seriously, how cute is that?

Between chatting with the others in line, and reading my comics, the wait went by quite quickly. (The fact that I was only fifteenth in line didn't hurt, either...) At 11:02, the line was moving, and I had my own copy of the book (in a special bag, even!) at 11:07. I was almost sorry to leave the festivities behind, but who am I kidding -- I wanted to go home and read!

So that's what I'm off to do now. (New Harry Potter book + hot cuppa tea + Poang chair = BLISS!)

Things I'll Miss About New Zealand, Part 7

When you only have 4 million people in the whole country to compete with, you can get tickets to virtually anything. And for non-exorbitant prices, too!

Our U2 tickets, which certainly would have cost a mint in Ottawa, we obtained via TradeMe.co.nz (NZ's Ebay) for a price only marginally off the actual, printed ticket price. We walked into the Rolling Stones the night of, and were "scalped" for a whopping $20 more than the ticket price. I attribute this savings to the limited number of people my dollar competes with, and I am wholly grateful for it.

But do the benefits of a smaller country end at tickets? Nay, say I! During an aforementioned Nerd Convention, I got to meet several of my favourite science fiction stars, and even had time to chat awhile... there was no need to hurry, as the line was minimal. Even better, there was NO LINE AT ALL for meeting the incredible Mr. Brian K. Vaughn (author of Y: The Last Man, writer for later episodes of Lost, and partner of the godlike Joss Whedon in the highly-anticipated Buffy Season 8 comics). Brian was especially cool, and Dave and I talked with him a good while about life, what kinds of things each of us were up to, where we were from, Brian's Canadian wife, etc.

Anyhow, my point here is, would Dave and I ever have had a chance to have a substantial discussion with someone this high-profile at a public event in Canada? Heavens no! Instead, it would have resembled more, "Uh, hi! You're Brian K. Vaughn, right? I love 'Y', it's so, like, smart! Will you sign my book?" {hiss to person behind me, "Quit shoving, fartknocker!"} "Thanks! Uhm, bye!" {get pushed aside by fartknocker, try not to get trampled as I make my exit.}

The lower demand-pool also manifests itself for consumer goods. Besides event tickets, I mean. Wanna see a movie on opening night? No problem. (Note, you may in fact be stuck next to vile minions of Satan who yap, fart, and seat-kick through the whole thing... so maybe waiting for an emptier theatre is still better.)

But all this theory will be put to the test this week, when I camp out in a nearby coffeeshop and observe a specific social phenomena... the release of the final Harry Potter book.


The Experiment: Hypothesis Phase

In Canada, I envision people lining up, dozens or even hundreds deep, to get this book. I see a bright, sunny day where the lines spill out of the stores. Parents are getting it to occupy their kids at the sordid halfway point of a stressful school-free summer. Teens are waiting in line themselves, perhaps in groups, happy to have somewhere to be that's not school, or someones' basement. The remaining adults will stand in line, alone, and when asked they will stammer something about the book being for some (potentially make-believe) relative. The latter are possibly the group most often caught peeking in the book whilst in line.

But I'm not in Canada, and I'm sorry to miss the event. Instead, I seek to gain some insight about how Wellington will receive the book. The possibilities go two ways:

1) Much as described for Canada, but with blue-lipped line-members standing out in the cold and the rain.

2) Same as it ever was... if the bookstore is at all busier than usual, the degree would be invisible to the naked eye. If this happened, it was likely caused by the following:

• Kids aren't on school break, and will not have one for another 9 weeks. Therefore, this decreases the need (and thus demand) for giving them something to do.
• The store I will visit will be a downtown Wellington store. Families tend not to live in downtown Wellington; they would likely visit a larger, suburban store nearer to them.
• People who live in downtown Wellington likely walk by these bookstores on the way to work every single day. Why wait now, or even make a special trip, when you can pick it up with considerably less difficulty in a few days?
• Downtown Wellington has a mere 200,000 people living in it, the majority presumably being young professionals. Only a fraction of these will have any desire to ever read the books, and even fewer will be seeking the book that day.

Thus, I have a theory that New Zealand's sparse population (and the benefits thereof), paired with the demographics of downtown Wellington, will reduce the Harry Potter phenom to zilch.

My plan of action is to sit at my local coffeeshop and watch the bookstore. If I am wrong, I will mock the poor sods standing out in the rain.

If I am right, I will stare longingly at the non-crowded storefront and try (and probably fail) to resist the temptation to just go and buy the damned thing.

The Bet

Last December, Dave and I were visited by our parents. The way the timing ended up, the two sets of parents had a single overlapping weekend -- so naturally, Dave and I decided to make an event of it. We rented a beautiful country cottage in the Wairarapa, the nearby wine district, and all had a lovely time together.

As can be expected of a Helgason / Hume visit to a wine country, vast quantities of wine were bought and consumed. And it was over several bottles that the two fathers, both bemoaning their noticeable departure from their formerly rail-thin selves, made a wager. That being, should each of them fail to lose 25 lbs by the wedding (Sept 1), they would donate $1,000.00 CAD to their most despised political figure.

Ben has since deportlified to the tune of 50 lbs -- a "WOW"-worthy achievement if there ever was one! Short of going on a strict booze-and-butter diet henceforth, it's a fairly safe bet that Mr. Jack Layton will not be getting that $1000 from Mr. Hume. Way to go Ben!

My dear dad, Wayne, has also had great success with his loss of 20 lbs. However, this means that there's still 5 lbs to go, and not much time left to lose them in. I have absolute belief in my father, but I figure he could do with some extra motivation in the home stretch.

So, I decided to help in the best way I know how -- with Photoshop! Here is a motivational message, lovingly created for my dad:

C'mon dad! Don't let that spooky-eyed right-winger have your hard-earned money! You can take off those last few pounds... I believe in you!

And this is an invite to any readers who don't often comment -- leave a comment to show Wayne some support! We're all cheering for ya, dad!